Reflection of CaptainM81's Battle

 

5/4 and 5/5 was a long wait yet it all came too quick. Freddy was strong, more optimistic than I thought. There are more than a thousand things to say about the past 2 days. I just don’t know where to begin.

 

I just want to say that this is new for all of us. We’ve never lost a friend in our lives. I’ve lost a grandpa but I was never close with him and I was not there when it all happened in Hong Kong. But this is REAL. We’ve been there, throughout his chemo treatments, his ups and downs, seen his family, read his blogs, staying near him during his last days.

 

I realized that now he’s gone, all the previous discussions and complaints about his personality imperfections didn’t matter anymore. If he will come back we will love everything about him. His imperfections are what made it unique about him. I mean, do you know anyone who would scream in the middle of the night? Talks to himself loudly? Hits himself for being stupid? His Spanish/Chinese accent? Gets a headache from listening to R&B? We are going to miss that about him.

 

So is this how it’s supposed to be? I remember how we used to discuss about his weird personality, as if we didn’t like him. And yet no! I feel like I could go to hell for that.

 

And I was saving all these HK dramas and songs for him. What am I going to do with them? Sigh…..

 

I know that during these 2 nights we had at least 2 chances to say our last words or goodbyes to Freddy. I had been thinking – I would rather to say the last words to a conscious person rather than an unconscious person. I know he can hear us, but how can we be sure? Words are better said to a live person than a dead person, that’s why I really didn’t have much to say when he was unconscious. After he passed away, that’s a different message. I communicated with him in my heart that he needs to watch over his family and his friends and protect us. Help Frank to find a job – and a girlfriend!

 

It was easy for me to say that there are ghosts and spirits in this world. But it was actually hard for me to imagine I actually have a friend that is invisible now. I actually felt Freddy out of his body when he was hanging on, and when I saw him after he passed away, I felt that he was no longer there, like he was taken by the “shirigami” (death gods). Maybe the machines were no longer making sounds? I don’t know.