Colon Cancer

Yesterday I was all anxious at work, making phone calls to the hospital asking when my grandmother can come home. She’s doing much better, and instead of staying there all alone without language assistance, it’s better off she goes home. At around 2, I finally knew that she can leave, but I have to go back with her on Wednesday to see the surgeon.

 

After hearing that she can come home, I felt totally relieved, no longer feeling the anxiety from whole morning. I went to pick her up, and the surgeon wanted to talk to me to talk about the surgery, then he said “to remove the cancer”. I heard that and I was puzzled, thinking maybe he just said cancer in general. After I hung up, Dr. Walter Lee, grandma’s primary doctor came and we questioned him about the tumor. He then told us it’s cancer. When he came it was so casual, and when he said it, it just didn’t sound formal enough. Sigh. She’s going to need chemo and radiation after surgery.

 

Went home and my HK aunt called. She’s planning on coming back to U.S. to take care and spend time with grandma, for 3 months without pay. My aunt and I are relieved that we get some family support, because with us going to work, it’s hard for us to come back and cook for both of my grandparents. Plus my grandma is requesting for the Chinese soups – which take more than 2 hours to cook. It’s easier to cook for just the 2 of us – we are younger so we can just eat whatever. But the older people need nutrition, so we have to cook fish, meat, veggies, plus soup. It’s a lot of work!

 

Have to be prepare for a different lifestyle from now on. It’s such an inappropriate time to travel. I’m starting to think - What if the operation fails? The chances are low, but what if like freddy, something unexpected happens? My aunt wants to be here in case something happens, just like freddy. So I think that’s what she is thinking about. I used to trust operations thinking that they must be successful. After what happened to Freddy, I think I have to prepare for the worst. I’m so glad my aunts are coming. With her here, everyone is relieved.

Just when I put Reiki aside, it comes back to my life again

So I haven't done reiki for more than a month. And yesterday when my
grandma was doing the colonoscopy, I talked to a nurse there and i
told her there's no parking at Brigham and Womens. Then I told her I
volunteer there, she asked what and I said Reiki. Like everyone's
reaction, they were amazed that I know reiki. She asked me to do reiki
on her, and she said her pain went away. She loved me so much that she
kept touching my hair and kept saying I'm so cute. She's really nice.

So now I'm sitting here and my grandmother is vomitting. I decided to
do reiki on her. She closed her eyes but after a while she caught on
and started to peek. So I stopped. But she did stop vomitting
afterwards.

Sent from my iPhone

My aunt from Florida is flying here to help taking care of her. I now
understand that it's hard to take care of a patient. It's like you
feel bad for leaving her alone but you have other things to do. It's
better if the patient speaks English, otherwise you feel double the
guilt for leaving her there.

I feel stranded. I'm the only one who has a car, so I'm stuck. It's
good that my aunt comes so I don't have to worry about leaving
everyone for vacation.

Sitting in the hospital bites, it makes me fall asleep. I hate how we
want to talk to the nurse and we can't her. We hit the call button and
it took 15 min got someone to come and it's not our nurse. Where is
the damn nurse! We turned around to ask more questions and she was
gone. Is she slacking off?sigh...

Sent from my iPhone

Grandma went into the hospital, all of my aunts cried as soon as they
heard the news. I was a little shaken up, because my grandma told me
before that she didn't want surgery, she just wanted pain killer and
then die slowly.

But saying it before it happened and knowing something has happened is
2 different things. When I told her there's a tumor in there, and that
she's too weak and anemic to go home that night, it occurred to her
that she is in pretty serious condition, and if she doesn't have
surgery, she will die from it. She looked at me wide eyed, I could
tell that she's not ready to be separated from us that soon yet.

Preparing for the Europe trip

it's funny when you try to google "how to travel to Europe in
fashion", you get lots of advices on how to not scream American by not
wearing the wring clothing - white, bulky sneakers, shorts, t-shirts,
and maybe polo shirts. Thank god I'm not packing any of these! Well, I
was actually planning to pack my bulky sneakers, but FORGET it. I will
be a fashionable tourist, and not let the Europeans look down on
Asians - lol.

Wait - I guess someone traveling with us is going to wear all these
fashion faux pas - Jason!!!! Hmm I'm staying away from him. Another no-
no is baggy pants or jeans (sigh). He's defintely going to wear some t-
shirts - please bring more shirts this time.

Hope he sees this, hahaha.

Sent from my iPhone

Now I have a new thing to worry about, discovering a new fear - seeing
my grandparents health starting to fail, body parts started breaking
apart. Seeing their parts of the body breaking little by little is
kind of scary.

So years ago my grandma found blood in her urine and stool, the doctor
asked her to see the specialists, I took half a day to go with her,
but it actually took longer than we thought. The doctor told us we had
to go back another day to do more tests, she started to feel bad for
taking my time and refused to come back.

Now years later it's gotten worse, she feels pain almost every other
day, she finally agreed to go back. I told her we should've gone years
ago and now trying to treat it when it's gotten worse is worse. But
before she just thought she would die rather than treating for
anything, so she wouldn't have to bother us. My grandpa told her that
she can't die that easily, just dying naturally like she wanted. It
could've given us a lot more trouble later, so I guess she got it now.
I don't think my grandpa wants my grandma to die first because he
can't take care of himself.

And my grandpa's hearing is starting to fail. We are going to have a
hearing test for him.

Reaching 80, I guess it's normal to start having failures. I think
they will reach at least 85, and if I'm right, 90. But by 90 I think
they would be pretty broken up. Sigh.

Sent from my iPhone

Beautiful lyrics � sung by Sherman Chung, song name: A Letter to Myself

 

�自己的信

作曲/填�：Angela Aki

改��：周耀�

�曲：�浩文

��：�浩文

很相信能成就大�   很相信能炫耀自己

很�心   �天天很多美好的派�

�封信�留住大志   �封信�提示自己

�得低   是心中很多似�的�碎

�疑我�天�多�   令我�了一句不怕流�

�疑我永�不�累   就�十行列明十���

＊�我�出新世界   交出真�性

   假使想�   必�找到��伴�

   突然十年便�去   方知�月冷漠似~水

   就算��不��   ��不��

   偏偏想笑   竟�得到灰暗情�

   默然����去

   一句一句太乾脆

一�一�已粉碎

祝福我能����   怎�我�奴役自己

不甘心   在天天很多�失的��

�封信如明亮大�   �封信能明白自己

�得低   但怎��低理想的散去

�疑我�天�多�   令我�了一句不怕流�

�疑我永�不�累   就�十行列明十���

Repeat ＊ ＊

一�一�已粉碎

很相信能成就大�   很相信能炫耀自己

很�心   �天天很多美好的派�

 

 

Translation:

 

Letter To Myself:

 

I believe that I can love and be proud of myself

I know it's greedy, but I wish that I can have a lot of good parties everyday

I'm writing a letter to keep my ambitions, to remind myself

Write down every little detail in my heart

 

I wonder how old I was when I wrote "do not cry" in the letter

I wonder if I'm never tired, writing down the top 10 accomplishments:

 

Let me come out of a new world, show my real personality

If I want to love, I will find my love

Ten years have past already, I realized that the times had been slow and cold

Even though my handwriting won't change, the paper won't crease

My emotions are gray even when I try to smile

 

Reading this from the beginning

Every sentence seems dry

Every dream shattered.

 

I wish I can travel to every country � but why am I still working like this?

I can't stand that I am losing track of it day by day

This letter is like a bright mirror, making me understand myself

I could write it, but why did I put it down?

 

I believe that I can love and be proud of myself

I know it's greedy, but I wish that I can have a lot of good parties everyday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FW:

 

Just thought of a memory:

 

I was having a 4 day vacation with my ex to Canada, it was our first away trip with just the 2 of us. It was a sweet trip. During the trip something happened that made us had a big fight, and 2 girls from the same tour happened to be my ex’s acquaintance. During this whole trip, both girls asked me to dump him so many times.

 

It happened when the tour guide found out that her phone ran out of battery in the morning. She needed to use her phone to keep contact with the bus driver and other things during the day. She came up to us because we were friendly with her and we were around the same age, and she asked the 4 of us if one of us could lend her a cell phone for the day. My phone back then was with Verizon so it had no sim cards. The other girl said the same thing and the other girl didn’t want to lend  her phone because she said she wanted to use it. Without thinking I volunteered my ex’s cell phone to her. I thought that 1) I had my cell phone so he could use mine if needed; 2) we were in Canada anyways so we didn’t need to use a phone; 3) the tour guide really needed a phone! Otherwise the whole trip would be ruined. The tour guide was really relieved when someone was actually so nice to lend her his phone to a stranger.

 

I was happy that we got to help someone out who was in need. But my ex didn’t feel the same way. He was pissed that I offered so he kept telling the tour guide that he had a lot of information in his phone, that there’s no privacy. But I didn’t get his hint so I kept telling them there’s no problem, just take the phone for the day. After the tour guide took the phone, all relieved and happy that her problem was solved, my ex got angry and asked why I didn’t ask for his permission and just volunteered his phone up. I just wanted to help her and I am not the selfish kind, so I didn’t realize that my boyfriend actually did not want to help her. He thought that it’s her own problem that she doesn’t have a phone, so she had to deal with it. He didn’t see the other girls volunteer, so he said, why he should volunteer then.

 

It didn’t occur to me until that day that he’s selfish. But it didn’t occur to me until 5 or 6 years later that he is selfish. He didn’t talk to me for almost the whole day, and the 2 girls kept telling him to stop being mad, because I was very nice to help the tour guide. After that the 2 girls, Wing and Monique, kept telling me to dump him. I thought they were joking and never thought that they were serious. They kept saying that – I guess I finally WOKE UP. I was the blind one. Everyone saw it but me.

 

Did I do anything wrong here? Would you lend your phone if it were you? Or was I the one who’s not normal, or too nice?

 

Just thought of a memory:

 

I was having a 4 day vacation with my ex to Canada, it was our first away trip with just the 2 of us. It was a sweet trip. During the trip something happened that made us had a big fight, and 2 girls from the same tour happened to be my ex’s acquaintance. During this whole trip, both girls asked me to dump him so many times.

 

It happened when the tour guide found out that her phone ran out of battery in the morning. She needed to use her phone to keep contact with the bus driver and other things during the day. She came up to us because we were friendly with her and we were around the same age, and she asked the 4 of us if one of us could lend her a cell phone for the day. My phone back then was with Verizon so it had no sim cards. The other girl said the same thing and the other girl didn’t want to lend  her phone because she said she wanted to use it. Without thinking I volunteered my ex’s cell phone to her. I thought that 1) I had my cell phone so he could use mine if needed; 2) we were in Canada anyways so we didn’t need to use a phone; 3) the tour guide really needed a phone! Otherwise the whole trip would be ruined. The tour guide was really relieved when someone was actually so nice to lend her his phone to a stranger.

 

I was happy that we got to help someone out who was in need. But my ex didn’t feel the same way. He was pissed that I offered so he kept telling the tour guide that he had a lot of information in his phone, that there’s no privacy. But I didn’t get his hint so I kept telling them there’s no problem, just take the phone for the day. After the tour guide took the phone, all relieved and happy that her problem was solved, my ex got angry and asked why I didn’t ask for his permission and just volunteered his phone up. I just wanted to help her and I am not the selfish kind, so I didn’t realize that my boyfriend actually did not want to help her. He thought that it’s her own problem that she doesn’t have a phone, so she had to deal with it. He didn’t see the other girls volunteer, so he said, why he should volunteer then.

 

It didn’t occur to me until that day that he’s selfish. But it didn’t occur to me until 5 or 6 years later that he is selfish. He didn’t talk to me for almost the whole day, and the 2 girls kept telling him to stop being mad, because I was very nice to help the tour guide. After that the 2 girls, Wing and Monique, kept telling me to dump him. I thought they were joking and never thought that they were serious. They kept saying that – I guess I finally WOKE UP. I was the blind one. Everyone saw it but me.

 

Did I do anything wrong here? Would you lend your phone if it were you? Or was I the one who’s not normal, or too nice?